What is it about mothers and daughters?
What had made the relationship between mothers and daughters so volatile? Going from love to anger and back again to love?
Daughters often complain that 'My mother is always criticizing me' and mothers would respond by saying that 'Each time I open my mouth, my daughter takes everything as criticisms.
There seems to be a special kind of intensity between the two because talking can be the glue that holds a relationship together or the explosive that can blow it apart. That is why when you are having an amiable talk with your mother, suddenly without warning, you can find yourself wounded by bits from an exploded conversation.
Mother's opinions matter so much to a daughter. A small comment or just a look (without any words) can fill a daughter with hurt and anger. But in reality, the mother who has spent years watching out for her child cannot avoid giving comments as they believe that the 'adult' daughter is incapable of doing the right thing.
Mothers and daughters search for themselves in each other as if finding sameness affirms who they are. After her mother's death, one woman finds that she cuts onions and held the knife exactly like her mother used to do. The woman finds this comforting because it meant that her mother is still with her.
Sameness, however, can also make us cringe 'I sound just like my mother' is usually said with distaste. A mother says: 'My daughter can certainly turns my day black in a millisecond'. This can be true as daughters often treat their mothers more roughly than they would treat anyone else. A mother, in reality, may seem to devalue a daughter's choices because she doesn't understand the life that her daughter chose.
Reframing is often the key to dissipating anger. If a daughter can recognize that a criticism actually expresses concern, a mother should acknowledge that concern truly implies criticism and she will hold her tongue.
